Mother's day

Mother's day is not an easy day for me. It's a day that is one part pure joy and one part profound loss. Those feelings meld together and it's hard to figure out where one starts and other begins. The fact that I am a mother at all is something that I can't help but stand in humbled awe of. After nearly three years of struggling with infertility, I am so grateful for my two amazing children. There is no medical reason that I should have been able to get pregnant on my own with Parker, let alone Makenna. They are truly my precious miracles. It is so obvious to me now that they were sent to me by a loving Heavenly Father at the time that they were needed. I also can't look at them without thinking of my mother because each of them have a special connection to her. Anyone who witnessed the bond that Parker had with my mother could never forget it. He meant so much to her. I found out that I was pregnant with him one week after doctors found her cancer in her lymph nodes. She underwent debilitating surgery and chemo that year. We knew that the odds of her surviving even five years were not good, but she refused to accept that. After all, she was going to be a grandma. I loved that time with her. She was so thrilled for me and I think even secretly more thrilled for herself. No more adoring grandma ever exsisted. To her, Parker was the cutest, smartest, sweetest, most perfect little boy that ever there was (he really is, but that's beside the point.)(: She just couldn't get enough of him. I'm so glad that she lived to see him turn one. That it meant so much to me and to her and she beat the odds to do it. I will always treasure the time that I got to watch them be together.
I found out that I was pregnant with Makenna about a month and a half after my mom died. My pregnancy and her birth were so bittersweet. I wanted my mom more than I can explain. It was my first big life event without her. I think the words that I said the most the first few months of Makenna's life were, "I just want my mom!" However, in Makenna, I have gained a new mother-daughter relationship. I know that this has helped to heal me and I know that it will continue to heal me as I get a chance to mother my own daughter. I can have the bond with my daughter that my mom had with me. I have also felt my mother's presence often since her birth. She loves to watch my kids, I can tell you that. Makenna shares my mom's name as her middle name and I hope that she will always honor the legacy that my mom has left for her.
My mom's last mother's day on this earth was also my first. I remember making her promise a million times that she would be here for next mother's day. As if somehow, she had any control over that. I got a card from her that I keep as one of my most valuable possesions. I read it often when I feel lonley for her. She wrote, "Thank you for spending the last 10 days with me!" (Parker and I were visiting from Washington.) "You're a great mom! I love you!" Mostly I read the great mom part. For some reason, no one can make you really believe that you're a great mom, except your own mom. I wish she was still here to tell me that sometimes. This mother's day I would thank my mom for the 25 years she spent with me. She was a great mom. So great. I love her and can't wait to see her again. I know she and Bri are enjoying being together and I'm glad that she gets to spend Mother's day with my sweet little sister. I wish a special happy mother's day to all those women in my life who have been so sweet and kind to me and my family! I can't say thank you enough!
PS-A special message to my sis, Jamie. I love you! Thank you for being so wonderful! You are making mom so proud because of the woman that you are!